Journey To Recovery: Where’s The Rainbow?

Penulisan ini merupakan sambungan kepada episod sebelum ini:

Journey To Recovery: Akan Terus Pegang Bingkai Memori Ini

Another bad day at home. I just fought with my twin. She made me angry, really angry.

Since last night, I couldn’t even sleep till now, because of my back pain that suddenly attack again, and of course because of my can’t sleep problem.

Since morning, I did help my mum to prepare for breakfast, swept the floor, wash the dish and cook for lunch too. I told my mum that I my back is hurt, so please tell my twin to help manage our house today. But, my twin just did nothing, and I tak sampai hati nak tengok mak buat kerja rumah sorang-sorang.

When I told, I’m tired. It just not tired. It’s emotionally tired. Body ache everywhere, my mind exhausted, and my feelings always battling for so many things inside. My family never understand this type of tired, no matter how hard I try to explain to them.

I keep on doing while holding my anger towards my twin sister, and try hard to ignore the feelings too. Just now, she just came back from somewhere, and having chats with my mother. She just bought something from night market, and I go towards them, and pick some kuih.

Then, she suddenly said to me,

“weyh, orang macam kau jangan sibuk nak makan dengan kiteorang lah.”

And I just explode. I feel very angry. What she mean by orang macam kau ? It has been almost 2 weeks we came home for semester break, but we didn’t talk for any single words. I don’t know why, she just don’t want to talk to me, and I also didn’t want to talk to her.

And today, she starts to talk to me, by saying that? How nice.

Didn’t realize that my emotion has control my mind, I suddenly throw that kuih on her face. She scream and ask me, why I’m being too emotional? And my father that suddenly came out from her room, saw that, and mad at me.

He ask why I do that to her. He ask why I’m being so mean to my own sister? He asks why I always get angry without reason. And he said, that’s why everyone hates me, because my bad behaviour towards them.

And my little brother also came out from his room, trying to back up my twin sister. He said, I angry for nothing. And my mum, only watch the scene, and say nothing.

And I just run to my room, lock myself in. I thought I will cry, but I’m just fine. Or maybe I’ll try to be fine. I hate them. I hate them so much. They don’t know how hurt I am when my twin said, orang macam kau and when she ask why I’m being too emotional?

I’m not in good mood today, that’s why I can’t ignore like always.

I hurt when my father only get angry towards me. I hurt when my liltle brother always back up my twin. And I hurt because my mother didn’t say nothing during the fought. I just sad and disappointed, with everything and everyone.

No one in this house loves me. No one see my sadness. No one see the reason behind my bad behaviour towards them. And not even one of them trying to understand.

After all this while, they just see my anger. Just my anger.

I try to tell myself that its okay, it just another fought. Other siblings also fight right?

Its okay.. just forgive them, they just don’t understand your condition. I keep telling myself to forgive them. I keep telling myself to not hate them.

But only for this moment, is it okay if I want to say that I hate them so much. Is it okay if I want to say that I don’t want to forgive them anymore? Is it okay if I want to say that, this time, I hurt so much? They say everyone wants happiness and that nobody wants pain but you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.

Really hope to see the rainbow soon. My enthusiasm is at its lowest. Physically and mentally drained.

p/s: Where’s the rainbow?

Kisah Johana ini bersambung di part kesebelas – Journey To Recovery: When Being Strong Is The Only Choice You Have

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