Before I continue, please excuse me for any grammatical error. I for once, wanted to write something in full English again even though it’ll be full of mistakes.
I’m just a typical common introvert girl you’ll find, there’s a rebellious phase, a kind polite one and sometimes an empty one. Most of the time, it’s easy for me to get through life. Maybe because I don’t really have high expectation for anything. I’ll just accept for whatever results I’m able to get.
This story aren’t as severe but I just want to find some medium to voice out whatever that I want without any judgement. Without any judgement, because I’m might fall apart again.
Took me awhile to write and a long period of time to share this. This is the collection of feelings I felt for more than 2 years, because I don’t know who to talk to. It starts in 2015 till now and writing this is among the only positive way I could do to reduce the congested feeling. I do find peace while praying but sometimes, the feeling keep coming back.
The nausea feeling,
All at once.
After the unexpected incidence pertaining to my study, I came back home hoping for a better change and chance. I want to, I have to. But I just don’t know. I started my journey back to be what I want to be, but with the sudden panic and the feelings still lingering within, I don’t have enough patience and passion to fight. I guess what they said might be true. ‘Such a foolish girl wasting few years of her life to go back and study the things that she used to learn but failed miserably. Continue to collect debt while her friends starts collecting assets.’
The feelings, it came without notice and that make me burst into tears. I had to cover my face so that my roommate can’t hear it. And again and again, I felt like crying. I know it is not a great solution to my problem but for me, at the very least, it soothe me from the continuous ache and miserable feelings.
I just don’t know.
I’m still trembling while writing this. I wanted to cry so much so that I can remove it from my physical body for a while, but the tears won’t come out. I wanted to shout, but I know I will disturb them in the room. I wanted to let it all out, but I don’t know how. I did seek for professional advice, but from the first session, the way they looked and asked things were full of doubt and judgement. And I thought to myself, ‘Is this what they called as professionals?’. I know not all of them are like that. But, I can’t bring myself to trust another one for now.
All of them have their own path and certainly have their own troubles to deal with.
We’re experiencing a lot of things these few years. From financial problems to my academic status to losing a dear family member and a lot more. How could I tell them all of the feelings inside me when they, my mother especially are having a much more difficult time.
Is it the right path? The choice that I make to continue, is it the right one?
I keep telling myself that I can do this, I can make it better. But all at the same time, the fear and the trauma from before struck me. Then, I start to feel blank and empty again. I laughed but few seconds after that, I’m questioning myself. ‘For what reason did I laugh? Is it just because I don’t want to ruin the current mood?’. Slowly, I’m getting better at hiding what I really felt. So much that I can’t really differentiate anymore which one is the real me. Am I getting better at dealing with this or am I getting worse?
I know for certain that I will cry my heart out if a person, dear or strangers, ask if I’m okay just because they feel like I’m not.
My family supported me, same with the lecturers and friends. But the support comes with an expectation as well, one that I know I can’t fulfil.
No! I don’t want to live my life fulfilling others expectation. I know where I want to go, what I want to do. Maybe.
But for now, I can’t move.
And I keep remembering the past. No matter how many times I tried not to. I felt trapped, up to a point where the wind suddenly felt too good and triggered me to jump. But the reality hits me. I can’t do that, I’m prohibited to.
I’m certainly not alone, I know. If not them, HE will always be there. I just have to find a way, if I’m not able to remove all of it, I’m hoping for it to go bit by bit.
Because now, I’m too tired.
I felt like a stranger living in a stranger’s life. Just when can I go home?
– Hoping –