Anxiety

If Only I Was 5 Minute Earlier…

A friend of mine was admitted to the Psychiatric ward today, and it broke my heart.
 
Let’s just say, her name is Yaya. She was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), where she would consistently get a panic attack whenever there’s a trigger (she is also suspected to have Depression by her doctor).
 
I have personally seen her twice during the attack. And it was not ‘cool’. I could literally see the lifeless gaze from her eyes during the attack, and how helpless she was through it.
 
(kepada mereka yang tahu siapa watak yang saya maksudkan dalam posting ini, mohon tidak nyatakan apa-apa butiran mengenai dirinya di post ini)
 
Last night, she texted me, that she wanted to give up on her life. To be honest, it has been a few days where she keep saying this. She even mentioned to me before that she wanted cut her wrist, just for the sake of curiosity. But she didn’t, I called her straight away when she texted me about that.
 
And this time, she said that she want to take 3 tablets of Xanax, which people normally would just take half a tablet (Xanax is for anxiety and panic disorder).
 
And this means, OVERDOSE!
 
We texted for a while, just to update any news, and say hello, before I decided to call her.
 
But I was too late. Just 5 minutes too late.
 
She already took it, without her family’s knowledge. It shocked me, but I just keep calm, and talked to her like nothing happened.
 
She talked a lot, and I listen a lot.
 
Basically, she told me that she is at the edge of giving up on her life. She blamed herself for being weak, and she just wants to leave the people around her before they leave her. She wants her pain to stop.
 
I didn’t talk much. I just listen silently, at the end of the phone. Until almost an hour, her medication started to take effect. Her voice started to sound drowsy, and she was talking nonsense. Then, she excused herself as she now just wanted to sleep.
 
And I know what that means.
 
(I know that some people would raise the issue of “ikhtilat”, because calling between man and woman, but during that time, honestly, Fiqh Awlawiyat come into matter. The importance of saving someone’s life comes first.)
 
But nothing I could do from there. I put down my phone, and just pray the best for her, and may Allah gives her strength in this life.
 
Just now, she texted me. She just woke up from 18 hours of sleep (because of Xanax), and she was rushed to the emergency department, before it was decided by the doctor to be warded.
 
I have lost all contact with her, as being admitted to Psychiatric ward, means there will be no phone, no contact with outside world.
 
Now writing this, I couldn’t do a thing for her now. I could only ask all of you who are reading this, please and please, pray the best for her.
 
Pray that Allah will give her strength.
Pray that she will look at this life differently.
Pray that people around her will always support her.
 
And I couldn’t stop wondering,
 
If only I called her 5 minutes earlier last night, perhaps I could persuade her from taking those meds, and stop her from being overdose.
 
If only, I was 5 minutes earlier…
– AP

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